random ramblings

For Sale: Java Reference manuals

For Sale: complete set of Java/J2EE references manuals, many signs of
wear but still usable.

Reason for sale: No longer needed as Project Manager knows every fecking thing.

For those who have worked in an office

.. a selection of notices that may strike a cord...

(download)

Attitude checker

                JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF YOU GIVE A RAT'S ASS TODAY...



                                             Nope!

                     Barely moved for me either!

Low Stress Computer Warning

Finally a computer setting I understand!

signs you've reached your 30s

1. You leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush"

2. You own a lawnmower

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to T4

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.

8. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You complain that ecstacy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

12. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

13. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

14. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

15. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

16. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

17. You always have enough milk in.

18. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

19. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

20. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

21. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

22. You wish you had a shed.

23. You have a shed.

24. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."

25. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Simon Mayo has some really interesting guests on.... you know.

26. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

27. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

28. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

29. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

30. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

How to read a Haynes manual

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

Best Christmas Playlist ?

In no particular order

Bing Crosby - Here Comes Santa Claus
Various - Frosty The Snowman
Crosby & Bowie - Little Drummer Boy
Johnny Cash - Little Drummer Boy
Springsteen - Santa Claus is Coming To Town
Bing Crosby - White Christmas
Wombles - Wombling Merry Christmas
Jona Lewie - Stop The Cavalry
Jona Lewie - You'll always find me in the kitchen at parties - (? reminds me of Christmas anyway)
The Pogues & Kirsty Mcoll - Fairytale of New York
Yes - Wonderous Stories
Jethro Tull - Ring Out Solstice Bells
Greg Lake - I believe in Father Christmas
Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
Wizzard - I wish it could be Christmas every day

F1 2011 race dates csv import for Google Calendar

Subject, Start Date, End Date, All Day Event, Description, Location, Private

F1 GULF AIR BAHRAIN GRAND PRIX,13/03/2011,13/03/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GULF AIR BAHRAIN GRAND PRIX,Sakhir,False

F1 QANTAS AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX,27/03/2011,27/03/2011,True,FORMULA 1 QANTAS AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX,Melbourne ,False

F1 PETRONAS MALAYSIA GRAND PRIX,10/04/2011,10/04/2011,True,FORMULA 1 PETRONAS MALAYSIA GRAND PRIX,Kuala Lumpur,False

F1 UBS CHINESE GRAND PRIX,17/04/2011,17/04/2011,True,FORMULA 1 UBS CHINESE GRAND PRIX,Shanghai,False

F1 TURKISH GRAND PRIX,08/05/2011,08/05/2011,True,FORMULA 1 TURKISH GRAND PRIX,Istanbul ,False

F1 GRAN PREMIO DE ESPAÑA,22/05/2011,22/05/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRAN PREMIO DE ESPAÑA,Catalunya,False

F1 GRAND PRIX DE MONACO,29/05/2011,29/05/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRAND PRIX DE MONACO,Monte Carlo,False

F1 GRAND PRIX DU CANADA,12/06/2011,12/06/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRAND PRIX DU CANADA,Montreal,False

F1 GRAND PRIX OF EUROPE,26/06/2011,26/06/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRAND PRIX OF EUROPE,Valencia,False

F1 SANTANDER BRITISH GRAND PRIX,10/07/2011,10/07/2011,True,FORMULA 1 SANTANDER BRITISH GRAND PRIX,Silverstone,False

F1 GROSSER PREIS SANTANDER VON DEUTSCHLAND,24/07/2011,24/07/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GROSSER PREIS SANTANDER VON DEUTSCHLAND,Nürburgring,False

F1 ENI MAGYAR NAGYDÍJ,31/07/2011,31/07/2011,True,FORMULA 1 ENI MAGYAR NAGYDÍJ,Budapest,False

F1 BELGIAN GRAND PRIX,28/08/2011,28/08/2011,True,FORMULA 1 BELGIAN GRAND PRIX,Spa-Francorchamps,False

F1 GRAN PREMIO SANTANDER D'ITALIA,11/09/2011,11/09/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRAN PREMIO SANTANDER D'ITALIA,Monza,False

F1 SINGAPORE GRAND PRIX,25/09/2011,25/09/2011,True,FORMULA 1 SINGAPORE GRAND PRIX,Singapore ,False

F1 JAPANESE GRAND PRIX,09/10/2011,09/10/2011,True,FORMULA 1 JAPANESE GRAND PRIX,Suzuka,False

F1 KOREAN GRAND PRIX,16/10/2011,16/10/2011,True,FORMULA 1 KOREAN GRAND PRIX,Yeongam,False

F1 GRAND PRIX OF INDIA,30/10/2011,30/10/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRAND PRIX OFINDIA,New Delhi,False

F1 ETIHAD AIRWAYS ABU DHABI GRAND PRIX,13/11/2011,13/11/2011,True,FORMULA 1 ETIHAD AIRWAYS ABU DHABI GRAND PRIX,Yas Marina Circuit,False

F1 GRANDE PRÊMIO DO BRASIL,27/11/2011,27/11/2011,True,FORMULA 1 GRANDE PRÊMIO DO BRASIL,Sao Paulo,False